 With a Rebel Yell: On Teens and Rebellion Kelly Milner Halls Adult Published Read an Excerpt Even before they hit their “official” teens, maturing young people begin the slow but steady slide towards rebellion. It is a subculture most parents vividly remember from their own youth – and yet seem ill equipped to cope with as adults. (for full text, see "excerpt." Excerpt Even before they hit their “official” teens, maturing young people begin the slow but steady slide towards rebellion. It is a subculture most parents vividly remember from their own youth – and yet seem ill equipped to cope with as adults. “That’s because I wasn’t aware when I was a teenager,” says 45-year-old Kim Warrick, mother to Douglas 16 and Jessica 13. “I didn’t know how dangerous things were. Now that I do, my kids’ rebellion sometimes scares me to death.” An understandable reaction, says psychologist and author Dr. Jeffrey P. Kaplan, but it cannot negate the facts. “Adolescence is, by definition, a period of emerging independence for teenagers,” he says. “Developmentally, it’s the teen’s job to become independent and thus challenge authority.” It’s nature, says young adult author and family therapist Chris Crutcher (“Ironman,” “Whale Talk,”) – as sure as the tides or the sunrise. Healthy kids striving to become healthy adults will challenge authority. “It can’t be avoided,” he says. “But it can be survived.” Authors Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott liken rebellion to a butterflies struggle in their book, “Positive Discipline for Teenagers – Resolving Conflict with Your Teenage Son or Daughter” (Prima Publishing, 1994). “You may have heard the story about the little boy who was watching a butterfly struggle to break out of a cocoon,” they write. “Feeling sorry for the butterfly, the boy opened the cocoon and set the butterfly free. But after flying only a few yards, the butterfly fell to the ground and died. The little boy hadn’t realized that the butterfly needed the struggle to gain strength that would allow it to fly and live.” If struggle cannot be avoided, are there steps parents can take to sanely endure this troublesome period? “Don’t take it personally,” Crutcher says. “Remember when they roll their eyes or say you don’t know anything about real life, it’s their way of saying they need to learn how to make decisions for themselves.” Asking the question “Why?” – a query that frequently torments parents – is, according to Kaplan, a mandatory rite of passage. “Understanding why helps prepare a teen to make other smart choices along the way,” he says. “Unfortunately, a lot of parents are threatened by that question. If they refuse to answer, the process only gets tougher.” If it’s a teenager’s job to challenge authority – to ask why – then what is the parent’s most legitimate function? “Your job,” Kaplan says, “is to maintain a fair consistency. Rather than holding your breath and saying, ‘I hope they don’t challenge me because then I’ll have to tell them who’s boss,’ try to listen and talk openly.” Damage control is another parental obligation. “No matter how good a job you’ve done,” Crutcher says, “Your kid is going to make a few mistakes. Your job is to love them unconditionally and help them learn from those mistakes. Your job is to help them get up and move on.” “Communication” has become a psycho-babble catchword. But it is key, according to experts, to surviving rebellion -- and most circumstances of adult life. “People are afraid to talk about the hard stuff,” Crutcher says. “But it’s NOT talking that really causes the really big problems.” What stands in the way of real and meaningful discussion? Most often, parental agendas, Kaplan says. “Too many parents are stuck in their own insecurities and needs.” They think they are protecting their kids when they are, in fact, protecting wounds of their own. To avoid that, Kaplan says, “It’s important to remember there is a hierarchy of needs. In other words, when you lay down the law, be sure you’re aware of who’s needs are you’re trying to meet.” In other words, if you say, “No! You cannot go to Johnny’s house,” and your teen wants to know why, ask yourself that same question. Are you saying no because Johnny has been in juvenile hall six times in five months? Then be honest about your decision. Are you saying no because you don’t like Johnny, but he’s not dangerous? Consider rethinking your decision. Are you saying no because you miss your teen and crave a little together time of your own? Don’t be afraid to admit that. Work towards a compromise you can both get behind. Karen Lytle Blaha of the Northwest Regional Educational Laboratory, a nonprofit institution working with schools and communities in five northwestern states offers another perspective. “Parents can say no,” she says, “but it’s often best to just say no without an accompanying criticism or lecture.” How can you tell when “typical” rebellion has crossed a dangerous line? “When the need for safety – yours or the teens -- becomes compromised,” Kaplan says, “that’s when you’ve slipped over the boundaries. I had a parent who’s kid put a knife to her throat and said, ‘How does it feel to know your kid hates you so much? I wouldn’t go to sleep tonight.’ But the next day she was driving him to work instead of calling the police. She was allowing her love for her ‘little boy’ to cloud her judgment.” According to Kaplan, setting clear limits in advance can help parents avoid that problem. “Be willing to negotiate,” he says, “but set the rules first. In my book, ‘Finding the Path: a Novel for Parents and Teenagers’ (Xlibris), I have a pretty comprehensive bill of rights for parents and teens that has helped a lot of families. But always remember, bad parenting that’s consistent is better than good parenting that’s inconsistent. Courageously facing the most daunting topics, according to Kaplan, unravels most rebellious knots. “Once you’re open to discussion,” he says, “your relationship takes on a whole different flavor. Through communications and compromise, the parent can help their teens make smart decisions of their own. Once a parent can step back from their own agendas, parenting teens becomes a beautiful time to discover who they are.” |
| < Prev |
|---|
